Eight Obnoxious Things Whiskey Snobs Say

By Richard Thomas

As an apostle to the “find what you like and drink that however you want it” school of whisk(e)y enthusiasm, I have little use for snobbery. In fact, if I call someone a snob of anything, I’m de facto labeling that person as a hater, not a lover; snobbery is the act of defining your love for something by how much of it you disdain.

Like so much else that it’s possible to be geeky about, whiskey enthusiasm attracts its share of snobs. I overhear and meet these people at shows, bars, liquor stores, distilleries and festivals (but, mercifully, not at my book events yet). Easily half of what comes out of their mouth is tired and ill-informed, and the other half is pompous bloviating. Here are eight classic examples and what they really mean.

1. “I got invited to one of Sean Brock’s tastings in Nashville last year, and did a vertical of vintage Stitzel-Weller wheated bourbons.”

Translation: I’m a liar who saw a Garden & Gun article on Facebook.

Seriously. This is the equivalent of celebrity name dropping, and do you believe everyone who says they have Chris Hemsworth’s number in their phone?

2. “I got into whiskey back before the Bourbon Boom. I remember when Pappy Van Winkle introduced the 20 Year Old and buying a bottle off the shelf for retail. I figure I’ve tried over 1,000 whiskeys.”

Translation: I bitterly resent all you new people coming into my scene, because you’ve made it impossible for me to get not just said bottle of Pappy, but even a bottle of Blanton’s when I feel like it. But even so, I’ll condescend to share my self-declared expertise with you if you kiss my ring.

3. “I have a bottle of 1928 Macallan 50 Year Old. Should I open it or auction it?”

Translation: I don’t actually care about your answer, because with a $38,000 bottle of single malt in my possession, I know what I’m going to do with it. I just want you to know I’m sitting on a bottle worth more than your car.

4. “If I were at a bar and the only things they had on the shelf were Jack Daniel’s and Johnnie Walker Red, I’d drink the water.”

Translation: I’m about as much fun as a brown paper bag full of cigarette ash.

6. “I was pretty excited to try the new Parker’s Heritage, but was pretty let down by it. It wasn’t even that old, and the only thing special was the barrel finish, so Heaven Hill was trying to cover something off and pass us some shoddy goods. It was so much better when they got it started.”

Translation: I’m so hidebound I only see age statements and don’t understand technical things like extra long toasting periods, heavier chars or appreciate a good barrel finish when the barrel head smacks me in the face. Also, I want you to know I’ve tasted most or all of the whiskeys in the series, just for kicks.

6. “All craft whiskey sucks. It’s made in little 5-gallon barrels, it costs too much, and I wouldn’t drink it if you paid me to.”

Translation: I still think it’s 2010, and don’t know anything about what has happened with small distilling in America over the last decade, because I can’t be bothered to pay attention to what is happening down the road from my house. So, I’ve missed that most small distillers have been using bigger barrels for years, as well as the growing crop of craft bottled in bond whiskeys.

7. “I was able to snag Pappy Van Winkle 15 Year Old, the most recent Old Fitzgerald Bonded and an Angel’s Envy Cask Strength!”

Translation: Aren’t I awesome because my cousin owns a distributor? Oh, and I’m glad you weren’t around a few years back when I was saying Angel’s Envy would never open a distillery and they bought that property as a publicity stunt.

8. “Scotch is the only real form of whisky. Everything else is either a cheap imitation or just plain bad.”

Translation: I think my narrow tastes are a good thing.