US Treasury Declares Pappy Van Winkle Legal Currency

By Richard Thomas

In a press conference this morning, U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew declared Pappy Van Winkle, the famous and prized bourbon, a form of legal tender in the United States.

“President Obama and I agreed that taking this step would not only ensure the future stability of the dollar,” said Lew, “but also save America’s treasured bourbon industry from a catastrophic shortage scenario.”

The bourbons of the Pappy Van Winkle brand have exploded in popularity in recent years, riding high on the crest of the rising tidee of interest in bourbon whiskey. During the course of the last several years the price of the oldest and most expensive of the Van Winkles, Pappy Van Winkle 23 Year Old, has risen 15 fold to almost $3,500 per bottle, and that is assuming you can find one.

The value of Pappy Van Winkle is now set to rise still higher, as the U.S. Treasury has not only declared the whiskey a form of legal tender in the U.S., but also pegged the value of the 23 Year Old to the market value of gold, ounce to ounce. A shot of Pappy Van Winkle 23 Year old, at 1.5 ounces, is now $1,800. The new, currency value of a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle is thus set at over $30,000.

When asked about this government-mandated increase in the value of the bourbon, Lew said, “The experts are convinced that we are headed to a catastrophic shortage in the near future, so $30,000 for a fine bottle of bourbon is clearly where trends are headed.”

Republicans on Capitol Hill soon cried foul over the move. Although the Kentucky delegation to Congress, Democrat and Republican alike, held silent, Jeb Hensarling (R-TX), Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, declared he would immediately conduct investigations into whether President Obama was secretly hoarding stocks of Pappy Van Winkle. “Furthermore, I wouldn’t be surprised if Obama wasn’t somehow involved in last year’s Pappy Van Winkle heist,” Hensarling said.

Bourbon enthusiasts were outraged at the Treasury move, with many angrily protesting that it has placed Pappy Van Winkle even further out of their reach. “I used to say only Williamsburg [Brooklyn] trust fund babies could afford to buy Pappy Van Winkle,” said The Whiskey Reviewer Deputy Editor Kurt Maitland. “Now only hedge fund managers on Wall Street can.”